I hope everyone had a good week or so. It has been a little longer than usual between my blogs but to be honest there have been some hard days for me recently. No particular reason just a struggle with depressed feelings and to be honest no burning desire to share or write. The past couple of days have been better with God providing just what I need when I need it. From redesigning a room to dinner with new friends I have been blessed. During my current journey it is important for me to really remember how blessed I am. Remember there will be “just” days and there will be good days.

Last night, I had the privilege to have dinner with someone I went to high school with and his wife. They have a ministry at the Church where I live, and they were an enormous blessing to me. The way they listened to my story and understood many of the things that I have felt or am feeling gave me peace. They were also energized about God and that was contagious.

While talking we discussed “ah ha” moments. As we talked, I realized this would be a great topic for my blog.

Did you have an “Ah ha” moment when you came to Jesus? For me the answer would be No. I accepted Jesus as my Savior at a very young age, and I grew up knowing I was a follower of Jesus. I even wanted to be a missionary when I was young. Subjecting all the neighborhood kids to my mini tent vacation bible schools making them attend even if they didn’t want to. Then as I became a teen and young adult I believed and did all the right things. I always wanted to make sure I was good enough- make sure I was good girl. I was still a believer, but the fire wasn’t burning as brightly as it did when I was younger, but I wanted to be a good Christian girl. Life just happened and I coasted in my beliefs. Don’t get me wrong I was still a Christian I would just say a lukewarm one sometimes. As a young wife and mother, the situation was the same. Life was busy, I put all my efforts into being the best of both, I could be. Then you add work on top of that and all of life’s other demands and while I believed, Jesus wasn’t out in front. He was more of my safety net and not the focus. I was always faithful to do Christian things and try to act in a Christian way just like I always had. I thought “doing” was what was important. I was teaching my son about the Lord, I was serving in Sunday schools, helping with Church functions trying to be a Christian wife. I thought I had it pretty together and then wham.

This past year I have been hit with so much that I found myself in the lowest of low places on many occasions, but it wasn’t until today that I realized that in all this mess God had given me the “ah ha” moment(s) that others have in their testimonies. He took this “good girl” from a hospital room in emotionally the lowest place you can be to the girl who while she still struggles daily, is holding strong and whose faith is getting stronger each day. I realized that I am no longer the girl who quietly trudge along in her Christian faith that was saved when she was young, when it was easy. I am now the girl that God ripped from the throughs of despair. He saved me when I didn’t want to be saved. I wanted to run and wanted the pain to end but he held so tight that I now realize the rescue was the beginning of my “ah ha” year. You see I sometimes need to be really hit with things before I move, and this year has been that kind of year. I went from not having an “ah ha” moment to having “ah ha” months. God is continually placing people in my life that draw me closer to him.

I have always believed that God has been creating a tapestry in each of your lives and I have talked about that before. In my case the tapestry was pretty simple, the back side wasn’t too messy and the picture on the front was pretty but kind of ordinary. Then this year the back side of the tapestry is an absolute mess, strings of so many colors and criss crosses. Broken strings with start overs, blended strings but when your turn it over the design is brighter, bolder, and more beautiful than in the previous years. I am beginning to see that God is starting to use all the things the devil intends for evil for good. I have more of a desire now to serve him than I have ever had. I want God to use my home, my life, my divorce, and my MS to glorify him. I want to start each day seeking him and his direction in my life. At 55 we still have a lot of living to do and there is no place safer to be living it than in the will of God. (Stollen from a recent church sermon) I could go on and on tonight, but I am going to head to bed and thank God not for the heartache I have felt, but for the “ah ha” moment that came from it. I pray that I can use what is now my “ah ha” moment to help others find Jesus. In the words of Keith and Kristen Getty, I want to help others realize that while our sins are many, his mercy is more. I want God to use me to help the hurting. Who knows maybe I can still be that missionary I dreamed of being when I was a little girl. I convent all of your prayers for me to use this year in my life to find his direction. Have a good day and remember I am here if anyone needs prayers or support.