I promised a blog page on Sunday, so I am a day late but decided half- way thru to change my topic so hence the delay. Today was interesting, I am home awaiting the results of a covid test and feeling just a little less than great. I feel like it is just my allergies or in the words of some close to me, maybe I have just been doing too much. A little too much is something I always do and today I took time to think about that. You see I have always had to be busy, moving from one thing to another, taking on tasks that need to get done. I have lived a large portion of my life in the “fight or flight” mode and didn’t realize it until lately. Maybe some of you have too. Do you ever feel like your best isn’t good enough and you must keep pushing for more from yourself? Pushing yourself can be good, but it can also create unrealistic expectations.

With a great deal of introspection and honesty I am starting to realize more than ever this has been true. As long as I am doing and moving things seem in control for me. I am realizing that this isn’t a healthy way to live. I allow my insecurities to direct my path and I am tired. You see much of my self-worth has and continues to come from others. This isn’t exactly the biblical way to live life but if we are being honest, I am sure many readers feel the same. I know that my true worth comes from Jesus and my relationship with him but my biggest struggle and the one I am working on the most is that I allow others to impact how I feel about myself. It is very common that the words or actions of those that mean the most to me impact me immensely. This can be things said and things unsaid. It can count for both the highs and the lows. I am sure many of you know what I mean and have felt this same way.

Much of my married life, affirmations were limited and when they were received, they were mostly about physical appearance or physical actions. Compliments were often sandwiched with an insult. I have a learned behavior that silence about physical appearance and actions are indications of a lack of interest or that I have done something wrong. I often wait for the insult to follow every compliment. In my mind this signals that people are leaving me and that truly is my biggest fear. If allowed, this learned behavior would love to be carried over into my life now and impact relationships in an unhealthy way. This learned behavior is fertile ground for insecurities to grow.

An example of this might be that if someone were to find me physically attractive for period of time and then all of a sudden stop those conversations, compliments or gestures I would immediately go to what have I done. In reality it would most likely not something I did or didn’t do, but my unhealthy past putting me back into the fight or flight mode where it must be me and I need to fix it. This trauma driven fight or flight mode is sometimes a learned comfortable spot. You know how to react when you know what you are expecting.

Another example might be if things at my home aren’t perfect, clean and orderly I feel judged. This is completely silly because who is going to say anything. It is just a learned expectation that I should have things taken care of. The voice of insecurity raises its head and says if you can’t keep up you aren’t good enough. What will people think if they see you have dirty dishes in the sink? (hopefully that you just ate) This can become a serious problem when you look around and see many dust bunnies floating around the floor. Where do they actually come from and why are they called dust bunnies? I am sure they weren’t there yesterday. This learned expectation can also be a comfortable spot because it is what you are used to. Comfort in pain is a crazy cycle and one that needs to be altered. Allowing your insecurities to take over is just not healthy.

You see when the compliments you are used to are superficial for so many years you have trouble realizing that someone can like you for you not simply what you can do for them. You forget that you have value and not everyone leaves. For those reading this that have ever had those feelings arise thinking you aren’t good enough, attractive enough, please stop and realize that you are. God created you in his image and with a specific purpose in mind. You were born on purpose for a purpose.

Insecurity can also come from a feeling of unforgiveness, and I want to assure you that Jesus is waiting where you are to forgive and set you free. As I sat in church yesterday, I was reminded that “there are no perfect people there.” I was also reminded that “perfect people do not go to heaven, forgiven people do!”

As we journey through the hardest year of my life together my prayer is that when I open up on these pages and become vulnerable and honest, others will realize they are not alone. Not only is God willing and waiting to be by their side, but there are both women and men experiencing the same things. The same feelings of insecurity. Through trusting Jesus and fellowship with others we can take our insecurities and turn them over to the Lord. We can be secure in the fact that we have a savior that died upon the cross to take the punishment for our sins and he did that because he loves each one of us. That much love should give us more security than we will ever need.

Please know that my pray for all of us is that how we feel about ourselves, and our insecurities should not be put in the hands of others, but in the pierced hands of a Savior that loves us.

God Bless-remember I love comments and if you need a friend or have a prayer request, I am here. You may comment here, on my facebook page or PM me.