Today’s blogging may be a little heavy and I am not exactly sure if I should share it but for me this one will hopefully be healing to write. Getting my thoughts on paper often provides me with clarity. I am not writing it for any type of sympathy, I just hope if I do share it someone will know they are not alone. Often as Christians people think we should have it all together but that isn’t the case for this imperfect follower. This weekend the glass of water that represents my life could not handle one more drop.

Well, just a couple of days ago I was writing about feeling joy again and now here I am with more than twenty-four hours of crying and not being able to get out of this depression. There have been times in my life when I have felt sad and depressed, but this new overwhelming depression that takes hold of me in waves out of nowhere is something new in my life.

Over the past several months I have had people tell me that much of what I am going through is similar to the grief process, there will be stages. I guess maybe they are correct but the frustrating thing for me is that the stage I have been stuck in is overwhelming depression. I have always been one to “pick myself up by the bootstraps” but not this time. I am trying all the recommended things like counseling, talking with your doctor, trying to see the good in each day, and seeking God in each day but some days it just isn’t enough. I think my depression is from a deep seeded loneliness.

A friend recently told me that being alone isn’t bad if you don’t hate yourself. When that was said to me, I realized that there was a lot of truth in those words. I recognize that a great deal of how I feel about myself has much to do with what I tell myself in my mind. How I play circumstances over and over in my mind. While I am truly blessed with people in my life to re-affirm me, what I feel and hear from myself is that I am never enough. I can feel lonely in a whole group of people.

Enough is a funny word. As a pronoun it means as much or as many as may be required. As an adverb it is to the required extent. What exactly does that mean? Who sets the standard for enough? In my mind enough is a goal that I don’t seem to be able to attain. Enough to keep someone, enough for people to love you, enough for you to be happy, enough to fill the empty lonely feelings you have, enough to show you are strong, or enough to make yourself happy. Pretty enough, smart enough, strong enough and physically fit enough are constant things that play in my mind. I keep striving to be “enough” even by doing things not within my normal character but enough often feels like a moving target. The funny thing to me is that my standard for “enough” from others is so much different than the standard for myself. Others constantly tell me I am enough, but it is my own self thought that is destructive.

I go over in my mind that if I had been enough as a wife, I would not be going through this now. I hear in my mind that I wasn’t enough physically, I wasn’t enough fun, I wasn’t enough of a risk taker, and I wasn’t enough to make him want to try. Yes, I continue to be in counseling and know these thoughts are not productive and even destructive but if I am going to be honest and open with my readers that is where my mind is. I have come to understand that mental health is just one more aspect of our physical health and not something to put away, be embarrassed of and not talk about.

Some days I can move past these thoughts, but often I find them effecting my new interactions and friendships. When someone is nice to me, I often don’t know how to react. This may seem foolish to many but, I push myself to be more and more what I think will make the other person happier so they will think I am enough. Even when they say I am, I struggle with believing that because of my internal voice. This is not going to help me form healthy relationships and I know that. Until I can come to a place that I realize I am enough, I will never really heal in a healthy way. I just struggle with the thought; if I am not enough people will leave.

I wish I could tell you that I have an answer for this, but I don’t, I am a work in progress for sure.

When I look in the mirror, I see someone just short of where I should be someone that isn’t enough. I feel that I have made many mistakes in the way I have handled things in my life, and while I understand the concept of GRACE I have serious trouble applying that to myself. I am trying to hang on to the fact that Jesus is my savior in spite of my mistakes and insecurities, and that he created me with this personality to be part of his perfect master plan. By Jesus dying on the cross, he has made me enough. In no way perfect but enough. My prayer over the next few days and weeks is that I will lean on God’s grace more and understand that applies to me too. I simply want to start feeling like I am enough again.

I understand that this post wasn’t the most upbeat, but I hope somehow this will help at least one person realize that they are not alone in their journey of depression. Looking at me from the outside and seeing me work each day at a stressful job, maintain my house and keep up with life’s demands (some of which I have not shared yet on this blog) many would be surprised at what I have shared. Let’s learn to be as supportive of mental health as we are physical health. It doesn’t make someone less when they struggle or share their struggles.

Have a good rest of the day and let’s try to remind ourselves we are enough.