Sitting in Church recently our pastor began to talk about suffering and change. As I I sat and listened I was brought up short about several things. One of the things that really stood out to me was the way that Paul stayed resilient and chose joy even when he was imprisoned for Jesus. I am also reminded as I study Paul that Jesus took someone who was not exactly stellar in the view of most and used him mightily. In Philippians Paul reminds that suffering comes in many ways and often we cannot understand why we are going thru things but when we realize that thru all suffering God can be glorified it can help us find joy. This resonated with me because I really have wondered over the past three years what could honestly come from me losing the life I expected. Not only did I lose that, but I lost me. I lost my confidence, my self worth, and my desire to continue and honestly, I was in a state of mental breakdown. This is not something I am proud of to admit, but that is the amount of loss I was feeling. Even as I sat in church, I had a bit of a moment- in that “moment” I started thinking how has God been gloried in my pain. I felt a sense of sadness because I really don’t know yet. The day went on and the devil whispered (not audibly, but thru the records of past trauma that play in my mind) NO you are not good enough that is why you have been going thru so much. Trying hard to push these trauma memories aside I begin to ponder some things…

What hinders the way I feel? The more I work to figure all this out, I realize that much of it has to do with guilt and shame. Much of my guilt and shame come from my trauma responses how I faced things based on those experiences and they have been with me many years. In this study I am going to work thru what God’s word says about guilt and shame. Along the way maybe we can begin to heal together. Turning trauma responses into something manageable and moldable by God’s word is part of my healing journey.

First let’s start with the official “definer for English”….. Mr. Webster.

Guilt

“The state of one who has committed an offense especially consciously

Feelings of deserving blame especially from imagined offenses from a sense of inadequacy

A feeling of deserving blame for offense.”

Shame

” A painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming or impropriety, a condition of humiliation and disgrace”

In the troughs of depression, I feel guilt and shame about so many things. I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt for my shortcomings and offenses made in a state of utter despair. Some of the things feel guild/shame about are:

The way I have hurt others emotionally over the years….. the way I reacted when others hurt me

Mom guilt over things I could have done better

The times I have said things I shouldn’t……. not said things I should

Stood up for myself…… let others walk on me

Let others be hurt when I could have done more

Ran from God…….. ran too him with incorrect motives

My failed marriage…….my inability to make clear decisions for a long time

Feeling guilty for being depressed when others have it worse…..Feeling guilty for being happy or secure

Feeling guilty for the lack of forgiveness I harbor for my life’s” “KAREN” and guilt for not realizing I was willing to be a “KAREN.”

Guilt for the way I treated family in my crisis times…..guilt for never being able to express myself in a healthy way.

Guilt for not being a good enough mother, daughter, sister or companion.

Guilt for feeling depressed.

I do not say these things to make anyone feel sorry for me, or think I have done incredibly awful things. They are simply there to demonstrate for you that this is a very “big gun” in the devils weapon arsenal against me. Personally for me he can whisper that quiet “you are not enough” even in things that seem positive. I have to assume this happens to others too. You see is often when I am starting to devote more time to God and get a sense of purpose for the Lord that all these things come rushing in. I forget what the bible says and I look at myself from a place of self deprecation and thru the lens that the devil provides. You see the devil wants nothing more that to keep us in a state of thinking that we are not good enough for God to love or use. This can render us ineffective. While we cannot be snatched from God’s hands, Satan can slow us down from experiencing all God could use us for.

Let’s work thru this together and look at a few things the bible says about this lie.

Let’s delve into a couple of verses together: Colossians 1:13-14 He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of light of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption and forgiveness of sins. ESV

What are these verses stressing- redemption means deliverance and liberation. Verse 14 is stressing to us that by being believers we have received forgiveness of our sins. Jesus has in vs 13 by the new covenant rescued his followers from the realm of Satan into the kingdom of Jesus.

Jesus does not say he continues to punish us for our sins, or that he expects us to live in a place of shame. He instead says he provides us with redemption. He has delivered us and liberated us from our sins. He provides the way to experience light in a very dark world. In my mind liberation means to be freed and I have to believe that this means freed from guilt and shame that would hold us back from serving God fully.

Let’s look at what Webster says about redemption: “to buy back, to free from what destresses us, to release from blame or debt, to free from captivity by paying a ransom.”

How is it that Jesus paid it all and offers us the freedom we desire, but we still let Satan whisper your not good enough? We let him make us feel like we still have a debt to pay when Jesus paid it all.

As I write this I am convicted of the fact that by clinging to guilt and shame I am really not fully appreciating the enormity of Jesus’ sacrifice. I am making Jesus small and he is a huge God. The cross offers us that freedom. Stopping to pray….

Looking at how we are assured redemption-

John 1:9 The bible says “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness”

Psalms 103:12 says ” those who fear him, as far as the East is from the West, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. In all of Chapter 13 David addresses how God forgives if we love him and ask for forgiveness.

Romans 8:1 There is therefor now no condemnation for those who are in Jesus Christ.

These verses do not mean the God condones our sin or that we should purposely continue to sin, but they do mean that if we truly love God we will seek his forgiveness and he will forgive. We don’t have to wonder, we don’t have to be scared to ask.

We don’t have to keep punishing ourselves for things over and over to make sure we know God has forgiven us. He makes that promise and he is definitely a promise keeper. Why then do I and so many others cling to the guilt? My guess is that it is comfortable. Crazy you might say, but punishing yourself is easier than forgiving yourself in my book.

In a world that is much more “self” centered than ever it seems like forgiving oneself would be a no brainer really. The truth is though that this one is hard. I definitely don’t have a handle on his one. Tossing as far as the East is to the West might be something that our awesome God can do, and that I have the ability to do when others seek forgiveness from me but for me to forgive me it is going to take some effort. What does self forgiveness look like for you? What I would like it to look like for me, is finding the strength to go to God fearlessly with each area of my guilt list and ask for forgiveness. Turn it over to God realizing that it won’t make me forget the person or event, and won’t remove all consequences, but it will allow me to take steps to stop punishing myself. When Satan whispers to me that I am not good enough and those old records play in my mind, my my prayer is that I can stand tall and say back – You are absolutely right, I am not good enough but I am forgiven and that IS good enough. Jesus will use me for HIS glory in spite of how off track I became at any point.

For today I want to pause here and continue this discussion on another blog day. I would like to close with Ephesians 2:8 For by grace you have been saved, through faith and this is not your own doing, it is a gift from God.

Let us all seek once and for all the forgiveness we need from God, leave each thing at is feet knowing that he is a promise keeper and he promised forgiveness. Once we have prayed, try hard to remind ourselves each day that we no longer need to punish ourselves for things that God has forgiven. As I just indicated, It does not remove all consequences but can remove all guilt and shame. It can open us up to feel joy knowing God can and will be glorified by what you go through.

Thanks for spending this time with me and we will do it again. My personal journey is what I share so please understand these pages are filled with my thoughts and understandings. I am not an expert just someone who loves Jesus and is trying to get back on track. Trying to find that JOY and peace that only Jesus can provide in spite of my failures. I an going to try very hard to make it my prayer over the upcoming weeks to truly engage in what this study has provided for me.

I would love to hear comments or pray for anyone that needs it so please feel free to share.

Love ya,

Diana