It was a year ago today that my life began the “change” and no I am not talking about menopause for those who instantly thought that because I am a 55-year-old women. Those who were ready with the hot flash mood swing jokes might be amused to know that I did have some moments where I was “hot” and definitely had more swings (mood) than the home run derby. In April 2021 I was hit with the news that I needed to change if there was any hope of saving my marriage, if I wanted my husband to stay. By change, I mean there was a list of things I needed to improve. I assure you that I set out to change everything about myself to make that happen. I took that list to heart and set out on a mission. I soon learned that no matter what I changed it wasn’t going to help. I was willing to give up everything about me for the happiness of someone else and to cling to what I thought I had. As I shed some tears tonight thinking about it and talked to family and friends I realized that God has walked with me through this year of change. I have faced so many challenges and I am still standing. In the words of the 80’s Elton John song “don’t you know I am still standing better than I ever did, looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid, I’m still standing after all this time…” If there ever was a theme song for my year it would be this. I am actually proud of myself for holding on and hanging in.

God has been faithful to show me that yes, I did need to change. I needed to change in so many ways but not the ways I was trying. Instead of running from God I needed to run to him. While I know this is the truth I haven’t been as good at running towards him as I should have or could have been. There have been sooo many tears, so much doubt, and more sadness than I can explain, but there has also been joy, rebuilt friendships, laughs and adventures that I never could have foreseen.

This has been a year of firsts as well as lasts. I have discovered that in the words of Pooh we are braver than we believe, stronger than we know, and smarter than we think. I have had to do so many things on my own for the first time and I am sure there are many who can relate. I have had to do all the household chores myself and sometimes with two crazy puppies there is a lot of chores. I have tended to the outside, mowing and shoveling. I have put in new flooring, painted, done my taxes, winterized my cars, stacked firewood, purchased my home and built a table. I have stubbornly tried to do so much without asking for help and all this while managing a MS diagnosis and a stressful fulltime job. When people ask me how I have survived, the answer is simple it is my faith that has gotten me through. It is the way God was preparing my faith years and months ago for a moment such as this. Looking back and my bible, my journals and notes I realize that while I have made bad choices, done things I am not proud of and I don’t always do what I am “supposed” to, the one constant in my life has been I turn back to Jesus. He has been faithful even when I was running the wrong direction, he has patiently waited. Even when I couldn’t read his word no matter how hard I tried, he would provide me with a note from the past that led me back to his word without even opening the bible or a friend who would remind me to focus on Jesus. I can say with absolute certainty that without my faith I would not be standing at all.

One of the ways that I needed to change this year was to trust God more, I needed to worry less. I have learned that it’s when you feel like you have nothing that you can learn the most. In my life I have tried to do things my way, picked my paths without seeking God’s input and I have even turned my back on him when I knew he wouldn’t approve. I know deep in my heart that Jesus has not turned his back on me, and he won’t as long as I seek him. I have spent countless hours crying over what God allowed to be taken away from me. I often think of Job, God allowed everything literally everything to be taken from him. It wasn’t because he didn’t love Job it was because he did. While I ponder this, I realize that for each thing that God has allowed to be taken from me he has provided an equal too or bigger blessing. Each day something happens that reminds me that I am the child of the king and I need to remember that he will direct my paths.

More than anything over the next several months I want to seek how and when Jesus wants me to better serve him. I want to be willing to go where he wants and do what he wants differently than I have in the past. I have come to realize that being a missionary no longer means I have to head over the oceans there are so many hurting here in the US that need Jesus. This is the mission field now more than ever. As I spoke to a friend about earlier today, it is important for us to be the light now more than ever. I still have my moments where I feel overwhelmed and sad, but I am also having many more moments where I realize I have some living left to do and if I let God lead, I will have an amazing ride and I can help others along the way. Being the light in a dark world is on my bucket list. Being a willing servant is the key. Being willing to enter into your divine appointments knowing that without Jesus we are nothing but thru him and with him we can accomplish amazing things.

As you encounter things this week keep in mind God gives us divine appointments. Be ready for them and be ready to discuss Jesus with those who need him. Be a light!